Why Is Love So Hard?
by Dark Angel's Blue Fire
Summary: There are five stages to a full blown head over heels love and now Remus Lupin is causing Nyphadora Tonks to go through them all...
1. Chapter 1: I Wish

Okay first of allI have to say I have no idea what to think of the first part of this. It's the first time I've had a set couple in a fanficIt's a little mini fic based on a number of songs and to be honestI really have no idea what to think of it so any feedback wouldbe great!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing but the plot

On with the show

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Why Is Love So Hard?

Chapter One: I Wish

There are five stages to a full bown head-over heels love. The first is the sometimes heart wrentching, usually annoying and definately embarressing crush...

_What you do _

_What you do_

_What you do to me_

Tonks was good at watching. Watching meant she didn't make a complete and utter fool out of herself. Watching meant that she could sit and pretend to be listening to conversation at the dinner table while watching _him _out of the corner of her eye.

She knew he didn't have a clue to busy worrying about the Order meetings or about Harry. About his next transformation he really just did not have a clue. How could someone have such an effect on another person and not have a clue about it? It just seemed totally ridiculous but it was the truth.

She watched him as he ate speaking quietly to Arthur and Bill about the state of things and giving snippets of information about his latest mission one that took him away from them all. And she realised then that it really wasn't his fault he just really did not have a clue.

_You don't know what you do to me _

_Sometimes I find you knock me off my feet_

_Sometimes I wish that we could be alone_

She watched, watched staying still where she wasn't the total clumsy fool everyone knew her to be. He looked up at her and smiled. Her hair turned a brighter pink if that was even possible, no one noticed, at least she hoped no one noticed.

She didn't think she could deal with that. She wanted to tell him she really did but she didn't have a clue how to go about it. She'd never really felt like this before. She'd always concentrated on getting what she wanted from school, her grades had not been brilliant but she knew what she wanted and then she went after it.

And she tried to tell herself that he was her cousin's best friend that he was twelve years older than her but it wasn't working, she had tried to come up with every excuse under the sun as to why she couldn't like him. She _shouldn't _like him but in the end it always came back to the reasons why she DID like him.

She knew it was wrong, she knew he would never like her that way, things were just too complicated for anything like this to happen. Besides, Tonks thought bitterly, it was her and when it came to romance nothing had ever gone her way.

_Oh how I wish you'd let me keep it long_

_I often watch you when you're least aware_

_Even though I know it's rude to stare_

_Sometimes I find that I just can't help myself _

_Coz I want you don't want nobody else_

She'd been paired with him for one of the Order raids were the Fates working against her or something? How was she meant to focus when she was working with him? It took all her Courage to speak to him normally in Order meetings now she was going to be in close quarters and she didn't know whether she would survive. She knew a lot rested on this mission. Of course it did. The war had escalated and any information on the movements and whereabouts of Death Eaters was important. The Order needed to know what they were doing. The latest meeting had just finished Remus had told her that he had expected to go and pick Harry up only to find out that Dumbledore was doing it himself.

She had nodded not really understanding what he was saying just watching his lips move trying to make sure she wasn't obvious about the staring. She knew it was wrong but she couldn't stop doing it.

The mission had been hard on her they'd tracked the movements back to Bella and she didn't have to be an Auror to see the pain in Remus' face. She remembered the Ministry like most of the Order did but she suspected that few felt the pain, except Harry, like Remus did.

He was now the last of the Mauraders and she could tell that something was bothering him. She had learned a lot about him from watching. She loved speaking to him but often reframed from doing so in case she tripped over her tongue in an effort to impress him.

_My heart skips a beat whenever you are near_

_And I just don't know what I'm gonna do_

_Oh how I wish that you were here_

_Oh how I wish that you were near_

_Spending time, oh spending some time_

_Wish you were mine_

_Oh how I wish that you were here_

_Oh how I wish that you were near_

_Spending time, oh spending some time_

_Wish you were mine_

"Tonks." She closed her eyes and almost put her head on the desk. She wasn't sure she could deal with him right now. She plastered a smile on her face, one she thought that looked real enough and looked up. "Hey Remus." "I need your help."

Did he use that tone of voice all the time or was it reserved for when he was talking to her? She wanted to bang her head off the table. This really was totally ridiculous she was acting like a schoolgirl with a crush. "Oh yes?" She said trying to keep her voice light. "What's that then Remus?" "I need you to help me piece together what happened on our last mission so I can present it at tonight's mission."

Tonks smiled. "Sure no problem." Remus smiled and said "Thanks Tonks." She was about to turn away when she caught him watching her from the door. She caught something in his eye as he saw her looking before he turned and walked down the hall.

It was something she didn't dare name because that would mean she was hoping for the impossible. He couldn't possibly feel the same, could he? Tonks just didn't think it was possible. He was sweet to her, caring and reassuring but he was like that with everyone.

He had the ability to make people feel at ease even in the most dangerous, the most ridiculous situation it was one of the reasons she liked him so much. She had watched him so much over the last few weeks, since she had discovered that her feelings for him were a little less innocent than simply friendship and it was only now that she realised how truly amazing he was.

They sat together later that night piecing together the evidence they had created and ran through the theories behind them trying to piece together everything from start to finish and although the contents of what they had to present was harrowing Tonks couldn't help but enjoy the few moments she had alone with Remus.

Tonks tired her hardest pretend everything was all right but she thought about him so much that it was difficult to actually focus with him around now and she was paranoid about blushing when she looked him in the eye.

_My thoughts are filled with you all the time_

_When I'm face to face I can't look in your eye_

_Sometimes I find that just can't help myself _

_Coz I want you don't want nobody else_

Of course he didn't notice. He didn't have a clue! She was mortified to find out that almost everyone else had worked it out the way Molly would smile sympathetically and Kingsley would smirk and motion as if to say. "Tell him!" She knew she should because as bad as it sounded she didn't think she would ever like anyone else the way she liked; maybe felt something more for him.

She didn't want to think about the fact she might have more feelings than she could handle especially since he didn't know and she didn't know how to tell him. She had managed to keep herself in line. "Hey Remus Harry will be coming soon." She said trying to make conversation one night. Remus' face lit up. "I know I can't wait to see him. Although it won't be for long now you know I'm going below ground soon."

Tonks found herself becoming irrationally jealous of Harry. It wasn't his fault and she found herself feeling ashamed of herself as she did because Remus was Harry's family and Remus loved him like a son but Tonks could't bring herself to stop.

Or to care.

Remus really twisted her heart into knots and she knew that she couldn't go on like this for much longer she just didn't think it was possible.

_My heart skips a beat whenever you are near_

_And I just don't know what I'm gonna do_

_Oh how I wish that you were here_

_Oh how I wish that you were near_

_Spending time, oh spending some time_

_Wish you were mine_

It was the time when she went to collect Harry after the Order had noticed he was missing though that made her realise that she had to act. And act fast. She had collected Harry off the train after finding him under a full body bind and proceeded to take him up to school.

She was talking with Harry and she knew he could tell that her heart wasn't in it. Yet another person that was worried about her condition. Who knew a simple crush could do this too you?

No she knew now it was more than a crush. She was in love with him. She had tumbled into love with Remus Lupin without even realising it. He was so gentle and so kind.

He cared about everyone around him and… Now she was starting to sound like a right soppy case! What the hell was wrong with her? She'd never been affected like this before and it was starting to scare her.

_My heart skips a beat whenever you are near_

_And I just don't know what I'm gonna do_

_Oh how I wish that you were here_

_Oh how I wish that you were near_

_Spending time, oh spending some time_

_Wish you were mine_

But she knew it had really gone to far when she sent a message to Dumbledore to say that she had found Harry, that he was safe and she was bringing him to the school she produced a Prontus and was as shocked as Harry when it turned into, not her usual falcon but a two-legged wolf.

It stood on its two legs for a moment almost as if it was howling, howling at the moon, before it fell back on all fours and darted off into the trees.

She knew that it was no normal wolf normal wolves did not have the capacity to stand on two legs, at least not for long periods of time and no without support. She watched it disappear and looked at Harry. He was frowning as if trying to figure out what the figure was.

Oh that was all she needed. Harry figuring out that she had the biggest crush on his father's best friend. Remus thought of Harry as a son and certainly as a god son she did not need him knowing.

_Wish you were mine_

_Wish you were mine_

She got to the clearing and found Snape waiting for them and Harry's face controrted into a scowl followed by something akin to horror. "What are you doing here?" Tonks asked. "I was under the impression one of the students needed collecting." Snape sneared and then looked at Harry his eyes glittering.

"Figures it would be you Potter can't be seen to be the same as anyone else can you? Always need to be better, always need the special treatment." Harry looked like he was going to retaliate but he didn't.

"I'll take it from here Tonks." He said in a scratching voice. "I know you've got better things to do." Tonks just looked at him and then promptly ignored him turning to Harry and said, "Write if you need anything Harry okay?"

_Spending some time_

_Spending some time_

Harry smiled and said, "Yeah thanks Tonks see you soon." Tonks stood quietly watching Harry disappear with Snape and could already tell that Snape was enjoying being vindictive a little too much.

She turned away and her heart give an unpleasant jump as she thought of the changes her prontus had under gone. At this rate it wouldn't be long before the whole world knew! Oh the shame! She resisted the urge to put her head in her hands instead balling them into fists.

She wished it would just go away but every time she thought about making a conscious effort to _make _it go away his voice came into her head and his face appeared with one of those rare smiles and her heart melted and she knew she couldn't do it.

She couldn't let go. Which then meant what _was she_ going to do?

_Wish you were mine_

She walked back down the hill and made her way back into Hogsmeade so she could Apperate home and contemplated her options.

Option one: She could let go and forget about having any feeling remotely like it.

Option two: She could carry on as she was going and watch him and try and control the consequences such as her prontus changing.

Option three: She could tell him and deal with the consequences of that.

She winced as she thought about any of them if it was up to her she wouldn't be doing any but she realised she couldn't keep going on like this, but she knew she couldn't give him up either every time she thought about it she melted at his smile. She knew this wasn't going to go away.

Which of course left one option.

_My heart skips a beat whenever you are near_

_And I just don't know what I'm gonna do_

_Oh how I wish that you were here_

_Oh how I wish that you were near_

_Spending time, oh spending some time_

_Wish you were mine_

She had to tell him.

Tell him and deal with the consequences of doing so.

She sighed. Why couldn't she have discovered that it was a crush and it had gone away over time?

But no it had to go and get worse. It had to get so bad she could barely breathe and she melted at the mere thought of him. It had to get to the point where her magic was being affected. Her ability to change, her abilty to cast and it had to get to the point where she couldn't let go,

She had to let him know.

She hated knowing that she sighed,

Why was love so hard?


	2. Chapter 2: Age Aint Nothing But A Number

Wow! I actually updated fast! Now i am impressed! I've been such a slacker with updates recently its just not funny!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. I also forgot the disclaimer for the first chapter the song is I Wish by Gabrielle and this song is Age Aint Nothing But A Number by Aaliyah

**Reviews**

**Robster639: **Thanx for the review (blushes) here is the next installment hope you enjoy it!

Now without anything further to say here is chapter 2

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Why Is Love So Hard?

Chapter Two: Age Ain't Nothing But A Number

There are five stages to full blown head over heels love the second is the sometimes easy, almost always hard and definitely nerve-racking stage of taking a risk. Here you have to ADMIT the crush both to yourself and the person it involves.

Hmmm this could be interesting….

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change _

Tonks knew she had to do it, she had to tell him she'd been telling herself this for over a week since her discovery when taking Harry back to school the problem was she had no idea how she was meant to tell him.

What if he didn't feel the same way?

What if she ruined their friendship the truth of the matter was she would always rather be a friend than risk ruining any chance of being around him.

Oh god, how soppy was that? But, she realised as she sat back to watch him conduct yet another Order meeting and present his findings, she had to admit that it was the truth.

Had she really fallen that hard?

She couldn't believe it.

Shocking but true.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

Now she had to decide what she was going to do. Actually scratch that, she'd already decided what she was going to do she just had to find the courage to do what was needed.

She felt sick every time she thought about it. How could it be that she had the courage to face ten Death Eaters and not blink an eye because that was what was expected of her. She was with the Order, it was expected she wasn't afraid to fight and thought she had proved it quite nicely on a number of occasions.

So how was it she kept putting this off?

All she had to do was tell her crush that he was indeed her crush and wait and pray to whatever god she believed existed what it all worked out ok. Except of course that Tonks wasn't a great believer in God she believed in choices and choosing your own destiny.

Perhaps that's why this was so hard for her to contemplate?

She was letting someone else take control of one aspect of her life and she had to admit that she liked the odds of going up against a particularly violent band of Death Eaters better than coming out of this unscratched.

She stumbled her way into yet another meeting and sat as Dumbledore explained what they were meant to be doing while trying to keep her eyes off Remus.

_Here I am and there you are_

_Your eyes are calling me to your heart_

_All you gotta do is knock_

_And I'll let you in_

She knew she had to tell him, and she would but of course the Order came first so she would suffer through. She was speaking to the group and she looked up and happened to notice that Remus was looking at her intently. His amber eyes were almost drinking her in.

_Then we can feel the passion _

_That we're floating in_

They were looking at her so intently she felt a blush creep up her neck and fought to control it but she couldn't control the fact that her hair colour changed from mousy brown, something she hadn't been able to change, to bright pink.

She felt relieved for a moment before she realised what it would mean. Fortunately for her she often changed when she was in the middle of an idea or she got excited about something so fortunately she could cover it. And as she suspected no one said a thing.

Still even after their assignments had been handed out and the meeting had been adjourned she could still feel his eyes on her. She wished she'd had the courage to look him in the eye but she'd been terrified that he would see right through her.

But she knew she had to do this. She had too. It was tearing her apart making her go insane rejection had to be better than this.

_I don't mean to be bold_

_But I gotta let you know_

_I've got a thing for you and I can't let go_

No, anyway she wouldn't think about that. She would rather cling to the fantasy now than know she had no chance in hell of ever being with him. But she knew she had to tell him this was driving her insane. She felt like pulling her hair out. Her magic was being affected and she was having trouble transforming. She'd seen the kids look at her in worry and she hated that they were all worrying about her.

She was having trouble changing and she suspected that other members of the Order were starting to suspect her. Kingsley viewed her with a thoughtful expression and Molly's knowing smile was going to end up being her downfall. She couldn't handle this.

She raked her hands through her hair staring herself in the face through the glass of the mirror. This was stupid! She wasn't at Hogwarts anymore! She wasn't some teenager with a hormone induced crush what the hell was that? She knew it shouldn't be this way but Remus made her feel like she should be. Remus made her feel like a gutless teenager and it scared her.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

She looked as her eyes flashed different colours in the mirror, well, she thought at least she knew her power was in there somewhere even if it was avoiding her at the moment. It was there. Under the surface at least. She knew this couldn't go on.

But it wasn't like she hadn't tired to talk to Remus it was just the last time she'd froze up when it came to the crunch and she'd ended up talking about something else entirely.

She shook her head as she remembered. She'd gone to Remus after they'd had lunch at The Burrow with every intention of telling him but then at the last moment she'd changed her mind.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

She'd spoken about Sirius and how much she missed him. Her cousin that she was only really beginning to know and then he had been taken from her. This was something that she had felt quite strongly about and knew Remus would understand and she did Sirius.

Her mother had talked about him so often, the pain in her voice was evident how she had been so sure that Sirius been one of the only Black's to come out of their family and be untainted and even though he had been sentenced to Azkaban Tonks remembered that Andromeda had never really given up on her favourite cousin even when everyone else had.

So when Tonks had found out he was innocent she had sent up a prayer of thanks but now she missed him so much there was like an ache in her chest. Something that she talked through with Remus while he listened and offered support.

Two friends in mourning.

_Take my hand and come with me_

_Let me show you the way in_

Now though as she stared at herself in the mirror she realised that she was out of options and now was the time to be brave and face the fact that there was no way out of this other than to tell him.

And maybe face the pits of hell, she was sure that might have been easier. She had heard Molly say that Harry had said that facing the Hungarian Horntail was easier than asking his ball date out.

Now facing the prospect of facing Remus Tonks could eagerly agree. But she knew she had to do it. So she took a deep breath and splashed water on her face and went to the Order meeting knowing that after this meeting the real fireworks would start.

For better or for worse.

_Boy be brave, don't be afraid_

_Coz tonight I wanna go all the way_

The Order were packing up again and Tonks knew she had to take her chance now. She had to do it now before she lost her nerve again. She had to tell him before he worked it out on his own.

God knew she'd been so obvious and she was so scared about what he was going to say she'd put off telling him but now she had no choice she had to do this. She waited until everyone else had cleared out and as she had suspected he was the last one to finish packing up.

She approached him and put her hand on his shoulder ignoring the electricity and buzzing that seemed to jump up her arm at the contact.

He looked up at her and smiled and she had to fight to keep from melting she took a deep breath and said, "Remus can I talk to you?"

_I don't mean to be bold_

_But I've gotta let you know_

_I've got a thing for you and I can't let go_

He smiled and said, "Sure Tonks what do you want to talk about?"

Tonks stalled a moment now she was here and attempting to explain what she wanted to say she couldn't find the words to do it. "Tonks?" Remus asked as she stood there trying to find the words.

She looked up and smiled, "Oh sorry, I've just got something important to say and I'm finding it hard to get the words out."

Remus said nothing but he frowned slightly and the expression on his face said he was listening and he would wait for her to explain herself. He smiled and trued to help her relax it wasn't hard to see how utterly confused and terrified she was.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

"Tonks," Remus said gently. "You do know you can tell me anything right?" Tonks grinned and laughed gently. "I'm not so sure about that you know Remus." She said wringing her hands nervously. Remus smiled his quiet smile and put his hand on her shoulder and she tired not to melt at the touch. "Come on Tonks you know you can tell me anything. I'm here."

Tonks gave a strangled nod because he was so understanding. So kind and gentle but she knew that this would change everything.

Just as she was going to turn on her heel and run she caught a flash of something in his eyes but it was gone as quickly as she saw it. She frowned. It had to be her imagination.

It just had to be?

Didn't it?

Tonks opened her mouth and shut it again. This was _hard! _She'd tried so many times to do this and every time she'd managed to think of a reason not to or talk herself out of it. Now looking at Remus she knew she didn't have that choice so she decided enough with the waffle she'd just come straight out and say it. It seemed to be the only way this was ever going to work.

Come on! She told herself sternly you can do this. If you can face Death Eaters without blinking an eye then you can do this. Come on where is your Courage?

"Okay." She said in a strangled whisper. "Here it goes." She looked up at him and she was sure he could see the emotion in her face. "I like you."

There.

She'd said the words.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

Remus said nothing and Tonks finally plucked up the courage to look him in the face. He had stopped still and was staring at her. Then he seemed to deflate. "Tonks, what's so huge about that of course you like me we're friends."

Tonks' jaw dropped. He had to be kidding right? He HAD to be kidding. Surely he could tell that was NOT what she meant. She looked up into his face her eyes taking in every line of his face.

Yeah, there it was the flash in his eyes. He knew _exactly _what she was talking about because it was reflected in his eyes. But she knew she had to say it again. She had to make him believe her.

"No, Remus." She said quietly. "I mean I like you _more _than a friend I want you and you know I do. I can see it in your eyes." Remus shook his head and took a step back.

"No Tonks. You can't." He said looking anywhere but right at her. But now she'd said the words she wasn't about to be deterred he _would _listen to her even if she had to follow him to the end of the earth.

_My Age Aint' nothing but a number_

_I don't mean to be bold_

_But I've got a thing for you_

_And I can't let go_

"Remus I do like you. I want you. I want to be with you don't you understand what I'm telling you?" She said desperately. She could feel her heart breaking into two. How could he do this to her? How could she have fallen so hard so fast?

How could she have taken that leap off the cliff without even realising that she had? How was that even possible?

"No Tonks you can't." Remus said again his voice sounded almost as desperate as hers did. She looked at him them and saw the terror, the terror and the feeling behind his eyes. She knew then that he liked her too, he cared about her too but something was holding him back.

"You can't." He said again. This time it was almost as though it was a whisper. "Why the hell not?" Tonks said losing her temper. "I like you Remus I can't help that and what's worse it now I know you like me too!" The words flew out of her mouth without them meaning too and Remus seemed to freeze.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

He spun to face her emotions flashing to quickly for her to read. "Since we're being truthful I'll be truthful. Yes. I do care about you a lot." Tonks felt her heart flutter this was more than she could have dreamed. "But…" Remus said not realising her inner turmoil only focusing on his own. "This can't work. You must know that. This can't work. We can't be together."

Tonks was sure that in that moment her heart would break. But she had come this far and she wasn't about to give up now. "I don't see any damn reason why not!" She said.

Remus looked at her like she was insane. "Tonks look at us! I'm old, I've got no money, I'm a social outcast and I'm a god damn werewolf!" He said the last word with so much venom Tonks almost took a step back but she realised that was what he wanted.

He _wanted _to push her away. But she wanted him too much to let him go. "I don't care about any of those things." She said firmly. "I want you Remus I knew all those things before and they don't change how I feel now."

Remus rubbed a hand across his face. "Tonks, you're young and beautiful." At this she blushed. "You need someone who will be good for you. Someone Young and whole not a werewolf. I won't do that to you I can't."

"Remus!" Tonks said throwing her hands up in the air. "Haven't you been listening?" She was nearly screaming now. "I. Don't. Care." She said pronouncing each word to try and make him understand.

_Age ain't nothing but a number_

_Going out ain't nothing but a thing_

_Nothing I have for you will never change_

"I Don't. Care." She said again. "I don't want anyone else. I want you."

"You need someone whole someone young. This can't work Tonks surely you see that?" "Isn't that my choice to make?" Tonks asked quietly. "Remus I don't want anyone else. I don't see anyone else when you're around me."

He looked pained and started to pace as she said this. She stopped and said,

"Don't you even want me at all? Because if that's what you're trying to say then say it." Remus looked conflicted for a moment and then before she could do anything her lips were crushed under his own.

_My age ain't nothing but a number_

_This thing I have for you it'll never change._

Before she could even respond Remus pulled away looking mortified. "I'm sorry." He said pacing. "I just can't help it you make me go insane!"

But Tonks didn't notice she put her hand up to her lips. She knew she had to have a silly grin on her face but she didn't care. Remus. Had. Just. Kissed. Her! Her! Nymphadora Tonks! She wanted to shout it from the roof tops.

She looked at him and knew he was about to break her heart. He was too scared. To scared to take the leap. "I can't do this Tonks. I…I this just…I can't do this."

And without another word he fled the room and Tonks felt her heart break as he left and she knew she wouldn't get her heart back because it had been taken from her.

It had left the room when Remus had walked out with it.

So here we are at the end of the second phase of our story I've given you time I haven't asked yet but have you figured out the answer to the question?

Come on guys! Tell me! Why is love so hard?


	3. Chapter 3: Behind These Hazel Eyes

OMG Its been ages but yes I am alive... well i think so anyway lol so because i've been away so long im just gonna get on with it

**Disclaimer: Oh **come on I wish...

**Reviewers: **

**Noc007: **Thanx for the review its here at last the next chapter in the saga if you're still interested read on!

**maybethedreamisdreamingus: **Thanx for the review. The next chapter is here! I love Tonks and Remus too not to spoil it too much but did you love them In Deathly Hollows? So good! Anyway here is the next chapter i hope you read on!

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Why Is Love So Hard?

Chapter Three: Behind These Hazel Eyes

There are five stages to a full blown head over heels love. The third is the mind numbing, heartbreaking and usually inevitable stage of rejection.

Don't worry we all have to be rejected usually it helps the other see what they're missing out on sometimes it doesn't always work but rejection can be a good thing it brings closure to a relationship that was never meant to be. But sometimes it can work, happiness can happen. Let's just hope Remus does for Tonks…

Tonks thought she would never function properly again when Remus had stormed out of the Order in a panic and closed the door on her shattered heart. She wouldn't feel so bad if she thought that this was what he wanted. To be apart from her, that he didn't love her but she knew different now and it was breaking her heart all over again.

Why did he have to be such a stupid, stubborn bastard? Why did he have to use the fact he was a werewolf as a cover to everything? Didn't he get that she didn't care. She loved him anyway. She had always known his secret and it didn't change anything in fact it just made her understand him more.

Understand and love him more.

And now her heart was shattered.

_Seems like just yesterday you were apart of me_

_I used to stand so tall I used to be so strong_

_Your arms around me tight _

_Everything it felt so right_

_Unbreakable like nothing could go wrong_

She had thought it was such a good idea. Telling him, and it had been. He'd kissed her. She could still feel the kiss on her lips even though it had been over a week ago. But she only had that to cling to because Remus seemed to be avoiding her.

She hadn't seen him and the only time she had was at Order meetings and he seemed to be avoiding her eye and disappearing as quickly as it was over.

The few times she had managed to corner him his answers had been the same. She could do better, he was too old, too poor to dangerous. As if the fact he was a werewolf mattered worth a damn to her?

He was being stupid but he didn't seem to be listening when she actually tried to tell him this. She wanted to be with him and she didn't care that he was a werewolf, that he was poor, that he was 12 years her senior none of that mattered she didn't care. She loved him.

She wanted him. He just wasn't listening. She wanted to scream. She never thought it would hurt so much.

Soon he stopped going to the meetings all together and she knew that this was because he had gone into deep cover to discover the allegiance of the werewolves and though it was stupid she felt heartbroken and hurt that he hadn't even bothered to say goodbye.

She knew it was probably better because she thought that seeing him might make her want to throw up. But still in the months he was gone she really did miss him. She knew he was reporting to Dumbledore personally through Prontus because correspondence in person or by letter was almost impossible.

Tonks tried not to be hurt by the prospect but she knew it was needed as much as she hated it. This wasn't Remus' fault, not the fact that he couldn't communicate and not the fact that he didn't have the courage to face the feelings he had in there somewhere.

Tonks knew it had to be hard for him, and she would have let go if she'd thought that he hadn't wanted it but she knew that wasn't the case. He could tell her he didn't care, that he didn't feel anything but that moment after the Order had proved differently and now she couldn't help feeling that he was probably glad to be away because he then didn't have to face the truth.

Tonks on the other hand was not only having to face the truth she was having to live with the consequences and she felt like she was walking around in a daze.

She felt all her breath had been stolen from her and she was having trouble sleeping.

It hurt to think about and she knew her powers were suffering. She had received an invitation from Molly inviting her to Christmas dinner but she didn't think she could handle it.

Remus would be there, if he'd managed to get away and she didn't feel like pretending to feel the Christmas cheer when all she wanted to do was drown in her tears.

_Now I can't breathe _

_No I can't sleep _

_I'm barely hanging on_

She knew she wouldn't go despite Molly's insistence. She would just remain at home in the hopes that she could drown her tears away. It wasn't practical but at the moment it was all she had and all she was willing to give.

If Remus wasn't willing to meet her half way then she didn't want to see him. If she didn't see him she figured it wouldn't hurt as much.

She didn't want to make an already horrible situation worse. Was it possible that heartbreak gave so physical symptoms? She felt sick, dizzy and didn't want to eat. The only thing that she truly cared about was the Order and she suspected that the only reason her powers were working at all was because she was determined to still function to do her bit in the war.

The Order needed her help and she was desperate to give it despite the situation she found herself in. Actually if she was truthful it was helping her with the situation she found herself in. It gave her something to do something to think about something to focus on when her life seemed so surreal and truly out of focus anyway.

She'd been working so hard that when Christmas did eventually come around she found herself wondering where the time went and wondering how she could have missed it. Although with no word from Remus she was surprised she hadn't withered up and died. She felt like her being was being torn into pieces and when she looked in the mirror she didn't recognise the girl staring back at her. Who knew that heartbreak could turn into such a physical sickness?

_Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces_

_Can't deny it _

_Can't pretend_

She'd be a fool to say she hadn't seen the glances she was receiving from some of the other Order Molly, Arthur and Kingsley to name the main conspirators in the plot.

That was, she decided what it was. It had to be for her to be suddenly summoned to see Dumbledore. Now, she thought that was low. Involving the boss, the leader who she respected too much to disregard the advice. That was low. It wasn't fair. No the conspirators definitely were not playing fair.

She walked through Hogwarts remembering the time she had been there and the fun she had had but she remembered those times with such happiness that now walking through it with her heart was heavy as it was, everything seemed to have lost it's colour.

Her feet knew the way so she let them walk her to the headmaster's office while she pondered what she was going to say though everyone knew that Dumbledore always seemed to know the ins and outs of the school and definitely the Order so surprising him was definitely out of the question.

Dumbledore came into the office and sat down. "You wanted to see me sir?" Tonks asked quietly. "That I did Tonks, that I did." Albus looked tired. Tinks realised. Tonks had never thought of Dumbledore as old but looking at him now she realised that was how he looked. Old and drawn yet as she sat with him his eyes were still sparkling reminding her of the headmaster she remembered.

Tonks waited quietly while Albus regarded her for a moment and then he said, "I've heard from a few sources that you have not been yourself of late Tonks." Tonks shrugged. How could you explain to your old headmaster that you were heartbroken? That you'd found the one you loved and now you were shattered inside?

She just didn't think she could find the words. But the pain, yes there was definitely pain. So much damn pain.

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up deep inside _

_But you won't get to see the tears I've cried _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

"It's true," She whispered but I have no idea what I'm going to do about it." She said quietly. "And what has brought about this change Tonks?"

Dumbledore asked but Tonks had the sneaking suspicion that the headmaster was well aware of what and _who _had caused her change in mood.

Change in mood, change in ability to work and ability to wield magic. Great, she thought bitterly he might as well just have well and truly screwed me up. But, then hadn't he done that anyway?

Tonks shook her had she had never thought that a person would ever have this kind of power over her. The power to make her smile, or burst into tears with a single smile or a single word. She had never ever thought it possible. She never thought she was that kind of person, but then that was before Remus had come into her life and turned it upside down.

Tonks looked down at the table her mind in complete turmoil. "I'd rather not talk about it Sir." She said quietly. "If you're worried about my work with the Order I guarantee it will not effect it." It's one of the only things I truly still care about, she thought bitterly.

"I don't really care about the Order work Nymphodora." Dumbledore said gently making her look up at him. "At least not at the present moment. At the present moment my concern is for you." He smiled and looked down at his clasped hands.

"In all honesty, I do not fight because I need to, or even because it's right. Though those things are certainly worth fighting for. But times such as these it should be a priority but what is the point of fighting for something so hard when we really have no idea why we are fighting for it."

He looked directly at her and said, "Do you have something you're fighting for at this moment in time? We all do something because we know it's right or wrong but why are you fighting for this?"

Tonks stared at her old Headmaster stumped for what he was trying to say. Dumbledore had told her he wanted to talk about the Order Meetings and yet here he was basically didn't give a damn about the Order at that moment now she was definitely confused.

Dumbledore must have seen the look on her face because he took pity on her. "One person fighting for their freedom, for someone they love is more powerful than twenty trained mercenaries. They are definitely more powerful than those that are forced into it."

He paused, "But if that one person no longer believes in what they are fighting for then we might as well be fighting for nothing." Tonks looked at Dumbledore. "I'm not quite sure what this has to do with me sir." She said quietly.

"You can't give up on him Tonks. He's lost so much he has yet to see what is right in front of him. Fight for it with everything you have."

_I told you everything opened up and let you in_

_You made me feel all right for once in my life_

_Now all that's left of me_

_Is what I pretend to be_

Tonks knew she should have not been shocked Dumbledore had proved on more than one occasion that he somehow knew almost everything that went on in the school and particularly in the order but she was anyway.

The thing between her and Remus was private or she had thought it to be. Perhaps she was wrong. "Speak to him." Dumbledore said. "He needs to know how you are feeling my dear." "I do he's just not listening!" Tonks said.

Dumbledore smiled. "Then my dear you must make him listen." Tonks wanted to ask how but she didn't she simply nodded and promised herself that she would try.

After all this was truly what she wanted.

_So together but so broken up inside_

_Coz I can't breathe _

_No I can't sleep_

_I'm barely hanging on _

Tonks went to the next meeting not really expecting much but was shocked to find that Remus had returned and was sat between Kingsley and Bill discussing some mission Kingsley had just returned from. Tonks wanted to corner Remus right away but she knew that it really wasn't a good idea. She knew he'd just run from her again.

They waited patiently as reports filtered in from all over the Order. Tonks hung her head as more reports came in of attacks on the Wizarding population as horrible as it was to say there were simply too many now to keep track of.

She looked up at Remus and realised with a start that he was watching her but as soon as he realised she knew he looked away. She stared at him hard before returning her attention to the Order. They had work to do but he didn't think for one minute he was getting away with this.

She would talk to him if it was the last thing she did. When the Order meeting was over and they had their orders for the next week she managed to corner Remus before he escaped. "Remus I need to talk to you." "Dora I've got to go." He said softly.

"Dora?" She asked. She knew she was smiling but she couldn't help it. Remus returned the smile even though she knew he was trying not too. "I know you don't like Nymphadora but Dora seems okay to me." Tonks smiled softly. "Yeah, I like it."

Remus smiled and then caught himself. "I really need to get going." Tonks grabbed his arm. "Why do you fight this Remus?" Remus sighed almost as if he realised he wasn't going to get out of this easily. "Because you deserve better than I can give you." Remus said softly.

Tonks resisted the urge to scream, how could he be so blind? She didn't want better. She wanted him! "Do you not listen to me at all?" She asked him pleading with him to see sense. "I don't want better, I don't want anyone else I want you! I can't pretend anymore and I'm not going to deny the fact I truly like you, want you and that I lo-"

Remus pulled roughly from her grasp. "How can you?" He asked. "How can you want me when you know what I am?" Tonks gave up and pulled him to her and kissed him hard on the mouth. She was sick of trying to explain herself.

She felt him kiss her back, just like before, before he pushed her away. Just like last time. Tonks felt her heart break all over again why didn't he believe her?

_Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces_

_Can't deny it _

_Can't pretend_

"Why can't you believe I want this, that I want you?" She demanded. Remus pulled a hand through his hair. "I want you Dora, I do but you've got to understand this will never lead anywhere. I'll only hurt you. I'm an outcast nothing good can ever come of this. nothing."

"You doing this to me is hurting me than anything could when I'm with you!" Tonks screamed her emotions finally getting the better of her.

"Are you completely blind can't you see what this is doing to me?" Tonks pulled her hair agitated. "Do you not think I would have let go if I could have by now?" She demanded.

"I hate what this is doing to me." She whispered brokenly. "I can't concentrate. My magic is off and my heart hurts every time I think of you and the fact you don't want me but I want you anyway. I can't look at anyone else because all I think about when I do is you!"

Remus stared at her in shock and Tonks found that she was savagely pleased he was shocked. She knew it was wrong but she wanted to him to feel some of the pain he was putting her through because she didn't know if you could stand much more of it.

Remus stared at her and Tonks knew she shouldn't have said anything but she couldn't help it. He drove her insane and the feelings she had for him wouldn't just turn off no matter how much she wished they would.

Before she knew what was happening she was being tugged into another kiss and she responded enthusiastically. She was the one that pulled away to stare at Remus. "You drive me crazy." He whispered brokenly.

"I want to be with you, you drive me crazy I can't think when I'm around you but you must know this can never work." He said brokenly. Tonks went to argue but Remus cut her off saying the words and wincing each time.

"You need someone young and whole, someone who you can be with without people staring. You don't know what people do to people like me and I would never forgive myself if you became a outcast because of me."

Tonks looked at Remus and pain blossomed in her chest followed by the elation that despite the pain he cared about her enough to think of her first. All the feelings that she had been trying to get rid of came flooding back. She had known she'd had no chance in hell of getting rid of them and this just proved it.

"Surely Remus that's my choice to make. Don't push me away. Please believe me, don't shut me out. I don't care!"

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up deep inside _

_But you won't get to see the tears I've cried _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

Remus looked at Tonks and felt longing in his heart like he had never felt in a long time but he knew he couldn't be the reason her life was ruined. She had no idea what it was life to be a social outcast and being with a werewolf would certainly make her one. Despite her assurances he couldn't do that to her. He would never forgive himself.

He had already broken the promise he had made to himself that he wouldn't let anyone too close now he had to repair the damage. He cared about Dora to much to let him into the chaos that was his life.

He knew he shouldn't have kissed her but he couldn't help it. He did care about her he knew that it could grow to more, that it had grown to more but he couldn't let it happen. Not in good conscience. Tonks was too good a witch, too much of a caring person to be cast out because she was with a werewolf and Remus knew that was what would happen if she stayed with him.

He still didn't believe she could care too much. Years of transformations had taken its toll he looked older as it was anyway and he knew all the scars would probably make most people wince. No he wouldn't let her see something like that. Not to mention that he was twelve years older than her and she could do so much better than him.

"Dora please try to understand." Remus said. "I can't do this. I can't make you an outcast simply because you're with me. You deserve someone so much better than me. I care about you I always will but this can never happen. I can't hurt you that way!"

"And you think this is better!" Tonks snapped her eyes flashing "I've never felt pain like it Remus!" she said throwing her hands into the air. "I wish I could just point my wand and turn these stupid feelings off but I can't and its killing me. If you don't care just tell me and then at least I can _try _and move on!"

Remus was about to respond when Dumbledore's Phoenix appeared. "I need you all at the school I will be leaving for a few hours I need you to patrol the corridors." With that the Phoenix disappeared and Dora sighed.

"There is always something isn't there?" She shot him a look of such pain that Remus felt as if it had pierced him through the heart. But before he could say anything else she disapprated with a small pop and Remus had no choice but to do the same thinking he could have probably handled that a whole lot better and that he was such a prat for hurting her.

_Swallow me then spit me out_

_For hating you I blame myself_

_Seeing you it kills me now_

_No I don't cry on the outside anymore_

Tonks met up with some of the other members in the Halls and they said the same thing, that Dumbledore had told them he was leaving the castle and they were to patrol the halls until his return. Tonks took up her post with the sense that something was about to go seriously wrong. She knew things in the world weren't right, she had spent most of the year on missions with the Order trying to out step the Death Eaters but they always seemed just one step ahead.

But she knew that for the sake of everyone in the Wizarding and the Muggle world, she thought of her father, she knew she had to keep fighting. So she knew it was important when Dumbledore had called and told all the Order members that were available to go to Hogwarts and patrol the corridors as he left the school. Where he was going Tonks had no idea but she knew they had to make sure the students were safe.

The battle seemed to sneak up on them from nowhere. One minute they were patrolling the Halls and then everything was dark and the Death Eaters had descended on them. The halls of Hogwarts descended into Chaos as the Order battled the Death Eaters and Tonks watched horrified as one of the Death Eaters screamed a victory and shot the Dark Mark into the sky.

Tonks found herself in a battle with a masked Death Eater and she lost sight of the other members of the Order in the fray she watched as Snape disappeared up the staircase towards the astronomy tower. and then watched as someone tried to follow and was thrown backwards before she had to turn her back to make sure she avoided any serious injury.

She saw Snape tear down the stairs with a blonde boy with him. She heard him scream that the task was done and to move. She was sure she saw Harry tear down the stairs but had to take her eyes off him to finish her own battle.

And then as quickly as it started it was over but it wasn't without causalities she helped bring Bill into the hospital wing his face a mess of gashes and she wondered if he would survive but then Harry came in and brought the news that had everyone floored.

Dumbledore was dead. And suddenly the elation she had felt at beating the Death Eaters at the school wasn't important anymore. Dumbledore was dead and just as she was about to scream it couldn't be true Fawkes started to sing.

_Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces_

_Can't deny it _

_Can't pretend_

Tonks couldn't believe it. Dumbledore dead? He couldn't be! She'd just seen him a few short hours ago but the lack of light in Harry's eyes, the way he was speaking, the way he almost seemed to curl in on himself as he told them what happened told her that this was no dream. It was their worst nightmare come to life.

"Snape killed him I saw it." Harry said looking at the floor but Tonks saw the fire in his eyes. Tonks realised when why Dumbledore believed in Harry so much Snape had made a fatal mistake in leaving Harry alive.

At that moment there was a commotion outside the door and Molly and Arthur came in the door Molly rushing to his son's side. "Oh Bill!" She sobbed stroking the bed covers.

She looked at her son. "Not that it matters what he looks like of course but he was going to be married." "Was?" Fleur said looking up for the first time. "Do you think zat he will not want to marry me now?" Fleur said furiously. Molly looked lost for words. "No of course not?" "Do you think it matters what he looks like!" Fleur said. "Did you think that I would not want to marry him, or perhaps you Oped! I am good looking enough for both of us!" She said to a wide eyed Molly.

"These scars just prove zat my husband is brave!" She said furiously "And I will do that!" She said snatching the ointment from Molly. The whole room stopped and stared Tonks watched with wide eyes waiting for the blow out but it didn't come and instead Tonks watched as Molly and Fleur broke down crying a new alliance forged in the middle of a war.

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up deep inside _

_But you won't get to see the tears I've cried _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

Tonks stared at Fleur. That girl had just gone up ten fold in her opinion. She truly loved Bill. She didn't care what he looked like she just cared that he was going to survive. Bill had been tainted by a werewolf and Fleur didn't care. Why was she and Remus any different?

She looked at Remus and he glanced at her but said nothing. Well, if that was how he wanted to do it, she could do it too.

"You see!" Tonks said in a strained voice. She glared at Remus hard. She knew he whole room was staring at her now but she didn't care. She had to make him understand.

"She still wants to marry him even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

It's different!" Remus said barely moving his lips and looking suddenly very tense. "Bill will not be a werewolf the cases are completely-"

"But I don't care either! I don't care!" Tonks said suddenly needing him to understand. She seized the front of his robs and shook them. "I've told you a million times…"

"And I've told you a million times," Remus said refusing to meet her eyes "that I'm to old for you…too poor…to dangerous…"

"I've always said that you were taking a ridiculous line with this Remus." Molly said as she patted Fleur on the shoulder. "I'm not being ridiculous." Remus said steadily.

"Tonks deserves someone young ad whole." He looked at the floor again. "But she wants you." Arthur said softly with a small smile. "And after all Remus young, whole men do not always remain so." He gestured at his son laying between them.

"This is… not the moment to discuss it." Remus said firmly avoiding everyone's eyes and looking round the room distractedly. "Dumbledore is dead…"

"Dumbledore more than anyone would have been pleased that there was a little more love in the world." Professor McGonagall said curtly as she entered the hospital wing but Remus said nothing else.

Tonks watched in silence as they discussed Dumbledore and then McGonagall and Hagrid led Harry out the room and the others remained with Bill. Tonks looked at Remus again and gripped at his hand. "Remus look you need to realise I just don't care. When will you understand that?"

_Here I am once again I'm torn into pieces_

_Can't deny it _

_Can't pretend_

Remus looked down at Tonks not quite believing what had happened. "Tonks…" He tried again but Tonks simply squeezed his hand and looked at him her eyes changing colour from the emotion she was obviously feeling.

"Remus I don't care. I really don't care."

Remus stared at her. How could she _not _care? He was a monster, a danger to everyone around him he couldn't hurt her too he'd die if he hurt her. Why could she not see that it was for the best?

_Just thought you were the one _

_Broken up deep inside _

_But you won't get to see the tears I've cried _

_Behind these hazel eyes_

Remus didn't have the strength to speak of it now so he turned and left getting ready to meet with McGonagall to discuss their next move he was surprised when he felt a hand on his arm. He looked back at Tonks and she smiled a watery smile.

"I won't give up on you Remus I can't I love you too much to give up on you that way." Remus stared at her but didn't make her let go of his arm. In that moment he realised how much he had missed her and how terrified he had been that something would happen to her when they had been fighting. Now he had a chance to be with her. So they would not be a normal couple, but really who was a normal couple. Maybe this would work after all.

Maybe…

"Maybe we should start again." He said softly leading her out the door and he could have sworn that her smile lit up the whole of Hogwarts in the aftermath of what had happened.

Perhaps there was hope after all.

Right here we are again come on if you haven't got it right now, well I'm not sure you will. Come on throw it at me! Why is love so hard? I think Poor Tonks is starting to figure it out.

Have you?


End file.
